The last few weeks have brought me many struggles to be honest and I’m still working through a lot of it, but I am trying my best to let it be.
I am the last person to say everything happens for a reason, but rather I think you can find reason in everything that happens (that is some original Jenny wisdom there so here is my quote with an Emperor Tamarin who posed for me at the zoo the other day, because he seems a little worried and he should know it is all going to be okay).
In other words, you can make sense of things that happen in your life and sometimes bad things do happen and it isn’t your fault and sometimes you make a mistake (or you just think you made one), but you can learn from it. Not everything is in your control.
Sometimes the healthiest thing (and hardest for people like me) is to stop trying to learn from the past and just let it go. If you are thinking yourself in circles you are attached to what happened (or rather your memory of it) and you are not being productive. I can second guess myself for years if I let myself. It is exhausting. So, I am making an effort to let things go.
Here is another Emperor Tamarin (again photo credit me), this time with a quote from the Buddha that I think is fitting to keep in mind.
How does this play out in modern life when you have disappointments in yourself, your career, your health, or worries about loved ones? How does this relate to when you are judging yourself and wondering if you should have done something differently (and what)?
Well, it is all attachment. You are suffering because you are attached to an idea of what happened or what you think should have happened. While it is healthy and natural to consider what has happened in our lives we must not get attached and ruminate on the past.
Trust me. As I was sitting in pain from an ear infection and backache (that I still have, ugh), getting disappointment after disappointment, it was easy to feel sorry for myself and that is okay to do for a moment. I am human. Yet when I started going down the path of second guessing myself and feeling sorry for myself all it did was cause me suffering. Truth is some of the disappointments were only there because other things were affecting my mood.
I am currently working on focusing on what is and that is the present moment. What I have are people that love me and have wished me well including talking to me while I cried and felt royally sorry for myself and just needed someone to encourage me and listen even though my ear was causing me excruciating pain, because my doubts in myself were equally excruciating. I was second guessing myself, but all I can do is be honest with myself and move forward and not be stuck in the past or dwell too much on the future.
I have love. That is real. That is now. I also got free tea and that is kind of like love and was real…real yummy!
This morning I woke up and I had a moment of sadness for the beautiful tree outside my living room window that was cut down yesterday (one of the disappointments that I had no control over, but nonetheless made me sad). Then I thought, ‘You know, I love the tree that is still there and I’m happy I had the other one while it was here. I’m also thankful I have cute curtains to put up in that window on the side so I don’t have to see the neighbor’s backyard!’ Maybe I am getting better at this being positive thing.
It has been a rough few weeks. When you don’t feel well it just makes everything else worse and it is easy to second guess yourself even in the best of times or to worry about people you love, but sometimes you just need to be happy for what you can. We are always growing and evolving. Hard things happen, but as my grandma always said,
“This too shall pass.”
Smart lady. I miss her.
I am thankful that in the present moment I don’t need to have all the answers. I just need to believe in myself and not second guess myself. I am doing the best I can and you are too. Cut yourself some slack.
Also, life is too short to be self-conscious so here I am in a cute little jumper enjoying some coffee and trying to be a little bit kinder to myself.
❤ Always Jenny